Spawners

I am progressively finding it harder and harder to relate to other people, particularly people with kids or who want kids. It seems there lives are consumed by their children and their personal growth is completely stunted if not killed. I understand putting them on your list of priorities but what about the relationship with your husband? The relationship you have with yourself? Both of these important people in your life have been around the longest and will be there after the kids are grown. What happens when you neglect those people for extended periods of time? Certainly hinders the potential.

Another thing I don’t understand: background story first. We know a couple who recently got married, have a great house in the city, the dog, the nice cars, their own business, another successful job, travel extensively, both are athletic and fit, basically got it together people. They want to have a child. Why? Their puzzle has all the really important pieces. I am not saying they don’t deserve to have kids because they have so many blessing already. Not at all, I just do not understand the desire to create another human being. The need to have offspring seems so primitive. We are nothing more than animals if these two, who have all the modern fabulousness this world offers, would still want to reproduce. I thought we were on the top of the food chain for a reason! Then on the opposite side of the spectrum-my husband and I. Our lives are NOT together. Our house is a constant project, Mr. H hates his job and his “career,” we hardly have any money, I don’t have a decent job and no career, Mr. H is not active and I have an incurable disease. Nothing about our lives is “together” and yet husband wants children! How can humans on completely different sides of the success spectrum want the same thing? (myself not included-I don’t want to have children and 28 was my magic age that if I did not have kids by then I was not going to physically have them-adoption would be the option to pursue). I asked Mr. H about this children thing and he can’t explain it even when he is one of them (the child-wanters I mean)!

Then I am having dinner with some friends and they are blabbing about their kids and the problems they have in school and their teachers, the ADD, the zero-tolerance, blah blah blah. Her idea of “fixing” the situation is to talk to the principal in no uncertain terms for things to change. Why not begin at home? Stop feeding your kids sugar, calm your own energy so they are not feeding off of it, lead by example, say no to the caffeine, stay home and be a mom instead of having someone else raise your children and then complain about the way they are doing it?! That’s right, you have to work you say. Of course you do-you “need” that timeshare, that big house, the address, the mini-van, the designer dogs, the daycare, the latchkey…Imagine the money saved if you just stayed home and did not have to pay for constant child care!

This “problem” I have is not getting any better, it continues to fester. I understand it is a choice and other people need to make their own decisions. I just do not understand why I allow them to make me feel guilty. There are certainly more of them out there reproducing than not, at least around me in my community. Where are the successful, content & happy people? Do they exist? Or are they just imaginary like the Easter Bunny? Or is that type of life completely unattainable, sort of like world peace?

My stomach hurts…

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2 thoughts on “Spawners

  1. Everyone thinks kids are a good idea to complete a family. Or so it seems. I agree with you. And let me explain. I don't believe in the I'm half of a whole business. I think if a marriage is going to be happy, each person must be whole, and even then it's a hell of a lot of work. And everyone says, "When are you having kids?" And you want to say, "None of your d— business!" but you don't. Or maybe you do. 🙂 Anyway, it's such a personal choice. And it's a life changing choice (to have kids or not). And it's even more of a big deal b/c of your disease. I get that. I do.

  2. I was always one of those people who kept telling myself that I didn't want kids. I don't handle responsibility well, and I definately never thought I'd be able to handle slobber, boogers and other bodily fluids. At some point, however, my opinion changed. I don't know if it was my biological clock, or what, but I decided to have a kid. I can say, unequivocably, I cannot imagine life without my daughter. She has completely changed my outlook on life. She's a ray of sunshine in my dark, grey-lined cloud. It is not an exaggeration to say she's my reason for living now. C, I love you like a sister, but it's unfair for you to say that having children stunts someone's growth as a person. I have grown more in the last 7 months than I did in the previous 7 years. And yes, you do have to take the good with the bad, and there are some bad times, times where you fear that you're going to lose yourself, but then you realize…you're not losing yourself, you're adding another facet to your life. You're not just "me" anymore. You sort of become an "us." It's like it's supposed to be when you marry someone. You're still you, but there's another part of you. Now there's three parts of me…there's the me that's always been there, there's the me that's married to my husband, and there's the "mom-me." Life is change and adapation, and so is motherhood. It is an all-encompassing change, which causes you to reevaluate your priorities. I still matter. There is just someone out there who matters more. Rach is right. Having kids is a personal choice, but be understanding and accepting of the people who chose to do it, rather than resentful of them. We don't want to make you feel guilty. We just have different priorities.

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